RIP D. (Written 2011)

It's been years since I've seen you last. I can still feel your brown eyes gazing into mine as I bent to kiss your frail cheek. Still, even though you were at your sickest, I never knew that would be the last time I would see you alive. I guess I never really wanted to think about it. I didn't want to know. Looking back, I think I knew you were far worse off than I gave it credit. You were always so full of life, so carefree and bright. I assumed you would beat it. After all, you were the strongest man I knew. You reached up and touched her little hand, even after you asked us not to get to close. You thought perhaps you may have a cold with your fever, but you still couldn't resist one last touch. One last feeling of warmth before you left us here to mourn.

I know you would hate the tears I've shed for you. The last thing you ever wanted to do was cause any pain while you were here. You were so giving that way - so humble and so full of pride. To say I miss you would be the understatement of the year, but, I do. Deeply. Sometimes, I can close my eyes and still hear your voice. The one thing you and only you called me. I can't believe it's been so long since I've heard that nickname. I've never let that be uttered by another soul. It is for your lips only. I know, one day, I will hear you say it again. Until that day, I'll keep it in my heart, along with the few memories that tow along with them.

I visited your grave today. I read your name, felt the cool marble stone it's etched upon. I cried. To be honest, I wept. So many times I've needed you - needed your touch, your hug, your smile, that laugh, your sense of humor that could dig me out of the worse trenches of depression. You always said I worry too much and I guess I do, much like you. Every day, as I grow older, I see more of you in me.

I won't run or turn from it. I can only embrace it and know that with some of the best traits you've given me, you slipped in a few that were maybe not so fair, but such as life. We all have weaknesses. Thank you for showing me mine before I took the wrong road. You may not have lived your life to the fullest, but your life wasn't in vain. Your blood runs warm through me like the deepest river splitting wide an undisturbed forest. If anything, your decisions have made me a stronger woman, so I owe you much - as I always have. I've never cared what people say. I never have given much credence to gossip or idle chatter...to me, people with that much time on their hands need to acquire a life and fast.

You mattered to many. You mattered to me. I love you, Daddy. I always will.