Thoughts on Paper (Written 11/16/2008)

There are people, places, situations and ideas in your life that change you and/or the way you feel about certain things or problems. I have to admit, for such a broad-minded person, even I, at times, can be severely narrow-minded. I think it's the control thing. I like being in control, yet, who doesn't? I believe my control issues goes a lot deeper than merely an "I'd like to be in control"...more like an "I WILL be in control!" I've been that way my whole life. I get it from my mom, but I think I even surpassed her in this one. When your own stubborn mother tells you that you're being stubborn, then you're probably being stubborn.

Again, been doing a lot of internal thinking of late and I've been able to sorta step back from myself and take a look at the big picture. Doing a little "revising of the soul". Everyone needs to do that every so often to get back on course. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm not so young anymore. I should have it all together by now, right?

Anyway, I'll admit, I've been wrong a few times in my life. I sometimes blow up and get ticked off, taking things personally when there was no intention of offense. I'm human, but I've held grudges in the past and I've finally let them all go. I sometimes try to chalk it up to being a Scorpio. You know how we are...easily offended, sharp tongued, crass, sarcastic... Geez, I'm surprised I haven't been killed by now. I take a problem & I brood on it forever, twisting it, bending it, flipping it over and over until I either forget what the initial problem was in the first place or get so frustrated that I just cut it out of my life all together. Probably a pretty extreme way to be, but then, I am extreme.

I was watching a show the other night and this woman's entire life was turned upside down and she just very calmly went through her day, fixing things as she went. I was pissed at her, the show, the idiot that wrote the show and then I thought, why do I care? It isn't even real! That is a problem I hope to correct, (No, not talking to the television. I happen to enjoy that!), I'm talking about my insane ability to worry and care so much that I make the other person's problems my own. I'm a product of my environment whether I like it or not. I'm an emotional sponge that just sucks in all the positive or negative energy, digests it and normally, my mood changes right along with it - good or bad. I've noticed it's lessened over the years, but I need it to end now. I'm tired of it. I have my own life to worry over..I don't need anyone else's life to screw up along with.

Ever tried to be conscious of your thoughts? Like every single thought? It can't be done. I'm not sure if it's a woman thing or what, but I swear, I have a billion things going through my mind at once. Observe a guy watching a game and ask him what's on his mind and he simply have nothing on his mind!! What?? You can sit there and not be bombarded by a trillion little stupid tidbits of info, names, faces, ideas, whether you turned off the car lights or locked the doors? Are you serious? No, I'm not saying guys are simple-minded, I'm just saying that as the sexes go, why are we wired so differently inside?

For example, as soon as I woke up this morning, right out of the blue, I thought about a girl that used to be one of my best friends growing up. We were always together. Her mom remarried and they moved to Florida and after about a year or so, we sort of drifted apart and haven't talked since. I actually caught myself thinking about how to go about finding her in Florida. She's probably married with children by now and had forgotten all about that little pigtailed girl up the road that she used to eat orange Push-Ups with on her backyard swing-set.

If I could track her down, what would I even have to say to her after all these years?? "Hey, JoJo, wanna go to the clubhouse and talk about boys?" Hardly! She'd run, no doubt and I wouldn't blame her, scream stalker and have me arrested. Why can't women be like men and just sit there and have nothing on our minds at all?? We're cursed!

Well, I just reread this whole blog and I can't even remember what I was going to write about. See? I had too many ideas at once and you all had to suffer. I'm sorry. If I remember the idea behind this blog, I'll finish it.